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Колхозный экзерцис
После четвертого курса нас, как будущих ниибацца зооинженеров, отправили на практику в колхоз «Красные Ебеня» (или что-то типа того). В предвкушении деревенского самогона и ядреной диетической пиздятинки, мы с корефаном Лехой ебашили на убитом автобусе по закоулкам расейской инперии и дискутировали о проблемах демографии в современной деревне и путях освежения колхозного генофонда посредством академической компиляции. С нами ебашил еще один крендель, по фамилии Степан (а может и по имени – хуй его знает – мы дополнений к этому обозначению не знали, да и было нам похуй абсолютно, так как был он с другого факультета), но в дискуссии он не участвовал по причине глубокого похмельного синдрома, а страдальчески полувалялся на полу, изредка поблевывая в открытое окно и поскуливая, как отпижженный первоклассник. Автобус паралитически подскочил на главном ухабе колхозной площади и лихо замер посреди охуительно большой лужи. Мы сразу же догадались (а хуле – люди образованные как-никак), что это конечная цель нашего вояжа. Помявшись немного, мы выкинули Степана из автобуса, и он умудрился упасть в лужу всего только одной рукой и головой; вдогонку выкинули его чемодан и по нему, как капитаны по мостику (или, бля, по чему они там ходят, капитаны?) сошли на щедро унавоженную красноебеньскую пыль.
Явившись пред залитые самогоном очи старшего колхозного зоотехника, мы выслушали речь о том, что «опять прислали долбоебов» и «хули мне с вами делать?». Но тут его озарила идея и он сказал: - У нас как раз надо поросяток кастрировать. Поможете? Мы ясен хуй поможем – ведь мы ниибацца какие кастрирователи, каждый день, считай этим занимаемся, тока отъебись, а то ты своим перегаром нам аппетит возбудил, да и дело к вечеру, телки пастись на пятак выходят, нам пора вобчем. На том и порешили – завтра мы должны явиться к 6 утра на свинокомплекс, а щас можем пиздовать куда возжелаем. Куда мы возжелали – это бля ни хуя не тайна. Так что через три часа мы с Лехой были бухие в сопли, а Степан вообще заблудился в параллельных мирах. Нам было до пизды завтрашнее событие, тем более, что мы, наученные заслуженными профессорами и ебать всякими кандидатами, твердо знали – поросят надо кастрировать до двухмесячного возраста. А двухмесячный поросенок почти свободно помещается в кармане... ну разве что с поджатыми ногами и хвостиком, засунутым в жопу. Собственно, больше мы ничего про кастрацию и не знали – а на хуя?.. Как мы проснулись в полшестого утра – хуйивознает, но проснулись и поебашили, держась друг за дружку и останавливаясь у каждого колодца попить и покурить. Не сказать, что нам было шибко хуево (бля, после новогодних праздников гораздо хуевей), но не в себе мы были – это факт. В общем, опоздали мы всего на полчаса. Нас уже ждали. Рядом с зоотехником стоял дядя трехметрового роста в рваных болотниках и халате цвета постмодернисткого говна. Принюхавшись друг к другу, мы поняли, что все свои люди и поэтому присели перекурить. Дядя бормотал так же невнятно, как мы слушали, так что из его содержательного пиздежа мы только и вынесли, что зовут его дядя Пёдыр, а сам он главный ветеринар. Ебать, какая честь – вокруг одни главные – зоотехники, ветеринары… Мы назначили себя главными практикантами, на этом торжественная часть мероприятия завершилась.
Зашли мы в свинарник и дядя Пёдыр нас повел к поросяткам. Ебтвоюмать. Поросятки оказались невъебенными кабанчиками, весом так килограмм в 30-40. Но пока нам было еще похуй. Дядя Педыр стал косноязычно нам втирать, что мы должны делать, мы дели вид, что все заебись догоняем. Но когда у Педыра уже пошла слюна, глаза налиличь кровью и косноязычие зашкалило за пятый этаж, мы спохватились и как три иблана стали ловить первого поросенка, бля… Ремарка для тех, кто никогда не был на свиноферме совеццкого и постсовеццкого пространства. Огромная бетонная коробка, разделенная на загоны – блоки из жылезных прутьев. Это ебический концлагерь для свиней, от вида бля которого Гиммлер бы залился горючими слезами и нахуй бы утратил веру в себя, как самого охуенного организатора пыточного досуга. Нихуя никакой соломы или там опилок для подстилки – только бетонный пол, на котором говно равномерно месится с мочой двадцатью комплектами свиных копыт – а хули, кроме как месить говно в клетке и друг другу в жопах (бля буду, не пижжу – гомосексизмом люди бля заразились от свиней… или наоборот) бедным зверюшкам делать нехуй. А, бля! Еще они друг другу хвосты отгрызают, авитаминоз в домашних условиях лечат, нах...
Короче, стали мы ловить один из кусков говна, который с хрюканьем удалого алконавта, удачно съебавшегося от жены, скакал по своим сокамерникам, нашим ногам и бля даже по стенкам загона. Но бля, мы тоже не до конца ибланы – кто на девках натренировался, тот свинью рано или поздно поймает. В общем, мы его поймали. Под командой Педыра мы водрузили хрюна на специальные козлы и по всем канонам сукабля кастрировальной науки прикрутили задние его бегатели к доскам, непотребно обнажив его мужские достоинства, а передние бегатели сложили на груди. Дядя Педыр из недр своего халата достал орудие бля операции – поломанный скальпель и перекрестившись воткнул его кабану в яйца. Я, бля, привычный ко многому, у меня у соседей двое детей мелких, но от этого визга сука я практически охуел. Педыр продолжал кромсать поросячьи яйца, я держал передние ноги свинца, Степан с ниибацца интеллигентным ебалом держал ложку со стрептоцидом наготове, а Леха сначала бледнел, а потом стал зеленеть. Тут свин решил сменить репертуар и вместо визга стал орать что-то наподобие «ма-а-ама, ыыыыбля!!!...ааа мааамамаа!!!». Мне уже нихуя не смешно стало, я думал, что все бля, от садисткого зрелища у меня крыша потекла, но частично успокоился, увидев, что Леха окончательно окислился и охуевши оседает прямо на пол. Тут и Педыр откромсал наконец яйца свину и кинул их в спецыяльное ведерко, Степан засыпал в рану стрептоцид, а я как самый благородный – а хули? – отвязал страдальца и новоиспеченный евнух поспешил к своим собратьям, горестно повествуя им о безнадежно загубленной судьбе…
Потом мы оттащили Леху на улицу, водрузили на кучу свиного говна (ну бля, выгребают его все же раз в неделю из клеток) и слегка дали пиздюлей, чтобы тонус вернулся. В ответ мы узнали, что мы ебаные садюги, гринписа на нас нет, а Леха бля гуманист и ебал он все эти красные ебеня, а за самогон и инфаркт от переживаний за мужиков, хоть и в свином обличии он хуй здесь останется. После чего встал и уебал в неизвестном направлении. Хули делать, а мы вернулись.
И тут малость протрезвевший Педыр нам поведал довольно внятно, что с завтрашнего дня он уебывает в отпуск, поэтому всех поросяток бля, подлежащих кастрации, мы должны окучить блядь сегодня. Да их немного – хули вы ссыте? – всего двести штук, ебать вас всех… Собсно, как окучим мы их – вы тоже можете пиздовать отсюда на хуй (ну или где вас там ждут?). А вообще, вот в прошлом годе заебись было – солдатиков пригоняли два взвода, они два дня ебались, заебались ясен хуй, но зато бля качественно ловили хрюкающих засранцев – поржали знатно все. Короче, хорош пиздеть тут, встали бля быстро и подогнали мне очередного клиента. Про себя решив, что хуй ты над нами поржешь, эскулап засраный, мы похуярили ловить следующего поросенка… а потом следующего… и еще… И под вечер было уже нихуя не смешно никому, потому что Педыр сам настолько заебался, что заканчивали мы кастрировать вдвоем самостоятельно… очень хочу надеяться,
И вот мы сидим рядом с помятым ведром с яйцами, курим, слушаем свиной плач, трясем руками и нам глубоко похуй и на то, что у нас заначено еще пара литров самогона, что нас ждут местные телки с пахнущими свежим сеном сиськами, и что нам обещали к завтрашнему дню зажарить все эти яйца (деликатес, блядь). Но мы бля гордимся, что нервы наши крепче голосовых связок поросяток, что солдатики по сравнению с нами клоуны, а суровые сельские ветеринары угощают нас сигаретами «Прима»…
Sem napište komentářThat held true for Jobs in his thirties, during the decade that began with his ouster from Apple in 1985. But after turning forty Louis Vuitton in 1995, he flourished. Toy Story was released that year, and the following year Apple��s purchase of NeXT offered him reentry louis vuitton bags into the company he had founded. In returning to Apple, Jobs would show that even people over forty could be great mk bags outlet innovators. Having transformed personal computers in his twenties, he would now help to do the same for music players, the recording Louis Vuitton Sunglasses industry��s business model, mobile phones, apps, tablet computers, books, and journalism.
He had told Larry Ellison that his return strategy was to Michael Kors wallets on sale sell NeXT to Apple, get appointed to the board, and be there ready when CEO Gil Amelio stumbled. Ellison may have michael kors handbags wholesale been baffled when Jobs insisted that he was not motivated by money, but it was partly true. He had neither Ellison��s michael kors conspicuous consumption needs nor Gates��s philanthropic impulses nor the competitive urge to see how high on the Forbes list he could oakley outlet store get. Instead his ego needs and personal drives led him to seek fulfillment by creating a legacy that would awe people. Louis Vuitton Outlet Online A dual legacy, actually: building innovative products and building a lasting company. He wanted to be in the pantheon with, indeed michal kors purse outlet a notch above, people like Edwin Land, Bill Hewlett, and David Packard. And the best way to achieve all this was cheap Michael Kors outlet to return to Apple and reclaim his kingdom.
And yet when the cup of power neared his lips, he became strangely hesitant, Louis Vuitton outlet reluctant, perhaps coy.
He returned to Apple officially in January 1997 as a part-time advisor, as he had told Amelio he would. michael kors outlet online store sale us He began to assert himself in some personnel areas, especially in protecting his people who had made the transition from NeXT. Louis Vuitton Purses But in most other ways he was unusually passive. The decision not to ask him to join the board offended him, Michael Kors crossbody and he felt demeaned by the suggestion that he run the company��s operating system division. Amelio was thus able to create http://www.louisvuittonoutletsyear.com a situation in which Jobs was both inside the tent and outside the tent, which was not a prescription for tranquillity. gucci bags Jobs later recalled:
Gil didn��t want me around. And I thought he was a bozo. I knew that before I sold him michael kors outlet online sale the company. I thought I was just going to be trotted out now and then for events like Macworld, mainly for Michael Kors wallet show. That was fine, because I was working at Pixar. I rented an office in downtown Palo Alto where I could Louis Vuitton Sunglasses work a few days a week, and I drove up to Pixar for one or two days. It was a nice cheap louis vuitton life. I could slow down, spend time with my family.
Jobs was, in fact, trotted out for Macworld right at the beginning louis vuitton handbags of January, and this reaffirmed his opinion that Amelio was a bozo. Close to four thousand of the faithful fought for prada outlet online seats in the ballroom of the San Francisco Marriott to hear Amelio��s keynote address. He was introduced by the actor Jeff http://www.2014guccioutletonline.com Goldblum. ��I play an expert in chaos theory in The Lost World: Jurassic Park,�� he said. ��I figure that will qualify Michael Kors Purses me to speak at an Apple event.�� He then turned it over to Amelio, who came onstage wearing a flashy sports Louis Vuitton Store jacket and a banded-collar shirt buttoned tight at the neck, ��looking like a Vegas comic,�� the Wall Street Journal reporter Jim http://www.themercyseller.com Carlton noted, or in the words of the technology writer Michael Malone, ��looking exactly like your newly divorced uncle on his Michael Kors crossbody handbags first date.��
The bigger problem was that Amelio had gone on vacation, gotten into a nasty tussle with his speechwriters, and refused Michael Kors handbags wholesale to rehearse. When Jobs arrived backstage, he was upset by the chaos, and he seethed as Amelio stood on the podium Michael Kors handbags outlet online store bumbling through a disjointed and endless presentation. Amelio was unfamiliar with the talking points that popped up on his teleprompter and Louis Vuitton Handbags soon was trying to wing his presentation. Repeatedly he lost his train of thought. After more than an hour, the audience gucci outlet was aghast. There were a few welcome breaks, such as when he brought out the singer Peter Gabriel to demonstrate a Louis Vuitton Bags new music program. He also pointed out Muhammad Ali in the first row; the champ was supposed to come onstage to Michael Kors bags wholesale promote a website about Parkinson��s disease, but Amelio never invited him up or explained why he was there.
Amelio rambled for more http://www.louisvuitton--outletstore.net than two hours before he finally called onstage the person everyone was waiting to cheer. ��Jobs, exuding confidence, style, and sheer Louis vuitton outlet magnetism, was the antithesis of the fumbling Amelio as he strode onstage,�� Carlton wrote. ��The return of Elvis would not have prada online outlet provoked a bigger sensation.�� The crowd jumped to its feet and gave him a raucous ovation for more than a minute. Louis Vuitton bags The wilderness decade was over. Finally Jobs waved for silence and cut to the heart of the challenge. ��We��ve got to http://www.cheaplouisvuittonbagso.com get the spark back,�� he said. ��The Mac didn��t progress much in ten years. So Windows caught up. So we have Louis Vuitton Outlet Stores to come up with an OS that��s even better.��
Jobs��s pep talk could have been a redeeming finale to Amelio��s frightening performance. Michael Kors purse outlet Unfortunately Amelio came back onstage and resumed his ramblings for another hour. Finally, more than three hours after the show began, wholesales michael kors bags online Amelio brought it to a close by calling Jobs back onstage and then, in a surprise, bringing up Steve Wozniak as Michael Kors outlet store well. Again there was pandemonium. But Jobs was clearly annoyed. He avoided engaging in a triumphant trio scene, arms in the oakley store air. Instead he slowly edged offstage. ��He ruthlessly ruined the closing moment I had planned,�� Amelio later complained. ��His own feelings cheaps michael kors wallets were more important than good press for Apple.�� It was only seven days into the new year for Apple, and already Louis Vuitton wallets it was clear that the center would not hold.
Jobs immediately put people he trusted into the top ranks at Apple. ��I michael kors bags on sale wanted to make sure the really good people who came in from NeXT didn��t get knifed in the back by the Michael Kors satchel bag less competent people who were then in senior jobs at Apple,�� he recalled. Ellen Hancock, who had favored choosing Sun��s Solaris oakley outlet sunglasses over NeXT, was on the top of his bozo list, especially when she continued to want to use the kernel of chanel bags Solaris in the new Apple operating system. In response to a reporter��s question about the role Jobs would Michael Kors outlet online sale play in making that decision, she answered curtly, ��None.�� She was wrong. Jobs��s first move was to make sure that two of his friends from NeXT took over her duties.
To head software engineering, he tapped his buddy Avie Tevanian. To run Louis Vuitton the hardware side, he called on Jon Rubinstein, who had done the same at NeXT back when it had a hardware Michael Kors outlet clearance division. Rubinstein was vacationing on the Isle of Skye when Jobs called him. ��Apple needs some help,�� he said. ��Do you Louis Vuitton Handbags outlet want to come aboard?�� Rubinstein did. He got back in time to attend Macworld and see Amelio bomb onstage. Things were Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags worse than he expected. He and Tevanian would exchange glances at meetings as if they had stumbled into an insane asylum, cheap Michael Kors bags with people making deluded assertions while Amelio sat at the end of the table in a seeming stupor.
Jobs did not come Louis Vuitton Bags 2015 into the office regularly, but he was on the phone to Amelio often. Once he had succeeded in making sure that Louis Vuitton Sale Tevanian, Rubinstein, and others he trusted were given top positions, he turned his focus onto the sprawling product line. One of michael kors satchel bags outlets his pet peeves was Newton, the handheld personal digital assistant that boasted handwriting recognition capability. It was not quite as bad find cheap michael kors bag as the jokes and Doonesbury comic strip made it seem, but Jobs hated it. He disdained the idea of having a michael kors crossbody bags stylus or pen for writing on a screen. ��God gave us ten styluses,�� he would say, waving his fingers. ��Let��s not Michael Kors outlet sale invent another.�� In addition, he viewed Newton as John Sculley��s one major innovation, his pet project. That alone doomed it in Michael Kors bags Jobs��s eyes.
��You ought to kill Newton,�� he told Amelio one day by phone.
It was a suggestion out of the blue, and Michael Kors outlet stores Amelio pushed back. ��What do you mean, kill it?�� he said. ��Steve, do you have any idea how expensive that would new balance outlet online be?��
��Shut it down, write it off, get rid of it,�� said Jobs. ��It doesn��t matter what it costs. People will cheer chanel factory outlet store you if you got rid of it.��
��I��ve looked into Newton and it��s going to be a moneymaker,�� Amelio declared. ��I don��t new balance factory store support getting rid of it.�� By May, however, he announced plans to spin off the Newton division, the beginning of its Louis Vuitton yearlong stutter-step march to the grave.
Tevanian and Rubinstein would come by Jobs��s house to keep him informed, and soon much of oakley outlet discount Silicon Valley knew that Jobs was quietly wresting power from Amelio. It was not so much a Machiavellian power play as Michael Kors bags on sale it was Jobs being Jobs. Wanting control was ingrained in his nature. Louise Kehoe, the Financial Times reporter who had foreseen new Louis Vuitton this when she questioned Jobs and Amelio at the December announcement, was the first with the story. ��Mr. Jobs has become louis vuitton the power behind the throne,�� she reported at the end of February. ��He is said to be directing decisions on which michael kors outlet online sale parts of Apple��s operations should be cut. Mr. Jobs has urged a number of former Apple colleagues to return to the oakley sunglasses cheap company, hinting strongly that he plans to take charge, they said. According to one of Mr. Jobs�� confidantes, he has decided Louis Vuitton Outlet Handbags that Mr. Amelio and his appointees are unlikely to succeed in reviving Apple, and he is intent upon replacing them to chanel outlet online ensure the survival of ��his company.����
That month Amelio had to face the annual stockholders meeting and explain why the results for Louis Vuitton Outlet stores the final quarter of 1996 showed a 30% plummet in sales from the year before. Shareholders lined up at the microphones Michael Kors handbags outlet stores to vent their anger. Amelio was clueless about how poorly he handled the meeting. ��The presentation was regarded as one of http://www.oakleysunglasses-wholesales.com the best I had ever given,�� he later wrote. But Ed Woolard, the former CEO of DuPont who was now the LV handbags chair of the Apple board (Markkula had been demoted to vice chair), was appalled. ��This is a disaster,�� his wife whispered oakley sunglasses wholesale to him in the midst of the session. Woolard agreed. ��Gil came dressed real cool, but he looked and sounded silly,�� Louis Vuitton Bags he recalled. ��He couldn��t answer the questions, didn��t know what he was talking about, and didn��t inspire any confidence.��
Woolard picked up new balance factory outlet the phone and called Jobs, whom he��d never met. The pretext was to invite him to Delaware to speak to DuPont louis vuitton store 2015 executives. Jobs declined, but as Woolard recalled, ��the request was a ruse in order to talk to him about Gil.�� He oakley steered the phone call in that direction and asked Jobs point-blank what his impression of Amelio was. Woolard remembers Jobs being louis vuitton wallets somewhat circumspect, saying that Amelio was not in the right job. Jobs recalled being more blunt:
I thought to myself, I either prada outlet tell him the truth, that Gil is a bozo, or I lie by omission. He��s on the board of Apple, I Michael Kors outlet have a duty to tell him what I think; on the other hand, if I tell him, he will tell Gil, Michael Kors Outlet Handbags in which case Gil will never listen to me again, and he��ll fuck the people I brought into Apple. All of Louis Vuitton Outlet online this took place in my head in less than thirty seconds. I finally decided that I owed this guy the truth. discount oakley sunglasses I cared deeply about Apple. So I just let him have it. I said this guy is the worst CEO I��ve Louis Vuitton outlet online ever seen, I think if you needed a license to be a CEO he wouldn��t get one. When I hung up LV Purses the phone, I thought, I probably just did a really stupid thing. related links: [chenrenfan12.01]
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